Call Me, Crazy.

A while back my cell phone broke. Well, it didn’t exactly break, so much as I placed it on the heater in my room and a very strong and quite visible charge of static electricity incapacitated 4 buttons. Three of them are the buttons on the outside edge of the phone (it’s a flip), the fourth? The call button. Oooh, so close to still being functional!

For a while I would have to assign people to a speed dial number – which was okay, until I realized only numbers 2 through 9 were assignable. You couldn’t, say, dial a 1 and then hold down the 9 for 19. That got real old real fast as, when you assigned someone to a speed dial number already taken, it erased the entry it was replacing.

Then I was lucky enough to go home one weekend and get my old school Nokia 6800. Fold-out QWERTY keyboard, no camera, and half again as thick as my iPod this phone just screams out “2002 technological achievement!” But luckily due to its age I was easily able to unlock it and pop in my Cingular SIM card and voi la, fully functioning phone (with a big crack down the middle of the screen anyway).

I have been waiting patiently to get a new phone from Cingular. The time has come and gone (March) in my contract when I could easily pick any of their phones and get the super cheap rate. Unfortunately, Cingular continues to disappoint me with phone choices.

Begin Rant.

The RAZR is the stupidest phone I have ever seen in my life. Ever. Yeah it was cool when it first came out, but I’m sick of it. If you have a RAZR and you didn’t get it when it first came out, I’m sorry, I have no respect for you. If you have a RAZR and it’s black, you’d really better fucking love AC/DC and getting your ass kicked. If you have a RAZR and it’s pink, watch out, because I’m going to push you in front of the F (or the B or D depending on how quickly I feel like getting home).

The bottom line people, is that they are all the same phone, with the same technology from over a year ago and if you haven’t been keeping tabs, technology from over a year ago is referred to as “artifact” when it comes to cell phones.

So everyday, and I mean literally everyday, I check Cingular for new phones. I would like to fill you all in on some of the new phones that are out there available for purchase without a plan. Samsung, Nokia, and Sony-Ericsson all have a phone that has a 3.2 Megapixel camera. They are no larger than other phones of those typical makes and models. The Sony-Ericsson one even has built-in software that will immediately upload your pictures to a blog. How cool is that?

What is the newest phone that Cingular has come out with? A blue RAZR.

Okay, I fucking get it. By 2007 you will be able to get a RAZR in every color in the Crayola 64 pack.

But you know what I really don’t get? What I really don’t get is why they’re coming out with a gold RAZR. Yeah that’s right. Gold. A special edition, Dolce&Gabana Gold Razr (and I swear to God if you just said “ooh! Cool!” I am murdering you in your sleep, as early as tonight…though I am busy most of the night pushing Jappy girls in front of the F train*).

Perhaps the most ridiculous part of all of this, is that every new color is priced like the original RAZR! That’s right, for only $200 (that’s WITH a 2 year plan) you can have your very own, stupid-ass D&G Gold RAZR. WHO is still buying these things?!

So Cingular, I’m not sure exactly who is picking all the “new” phones over there, but whoever it is needs to be fired, penniless, hairless, and…childless by the end of the day.

The only thing good about the RAZR is that my rage against it is keeping me in check so that I don’t just buy one of their shitty other sub-par phones…unfortunately I’m worried that even that won’t hold me back, and I’ll soon be making a pricey purchase on Tiger Direct for the Samsung P850, Nokia N90, or Sony Ericsson K790a (yeah, I know all the model numbers by heart).

In closing I would like all of you to wish me luck. The men out there will understand that the combination of my old phone, the release of these totally awesome new phones, my rage at the RAZR, and my recent near-elimination of credit-card debt, is making it VERY hard for me to not just plop down $500 so I can look at RAZR owners, laugh at them, and then pee in their open mouths as they gape at my kick-ass cell phone.

*I know, I know, Jappy girls live in Murray Hill and would therefore be taking the 4,5,6 – but it doesn’t tie in as nicely that way.