I was walking to work this morning and it was standard post-subway work-walk stuff: Hot girls inevitably going into Starbucks and the pleasure of fresh, cool air (compared to the subway which I can only describe as like being in some horrible Trash Sauna).
As I finished crossing the street an old man steps in front of me and then walks past. Naturally I was surprised to find he was pulling along one of those wheely suitcases. I stop on a dime as he continues on his old-man way. Slightly outraged, I grumbled my way into Starbucks and dreamed up this little situation:
(Andy has just exited the subway on 32nd St and is just about to cross the street when, similarly to the old-man situation, a passerby with a wheely-bag interrupts his stride)
Andy: Jesus! Watch where you’re going!
Devil: Um, I’m the Devil.
Andy: I mean you couldn’t just wear a backpa- wait. What?
Devil: I’m the Devil. You called me Jesus.
Jesus: Yeah?
Andy: Heeere we go…
Devil: Oh, hi Jesus. What’s up?
Jesus: Oh you know. Another day another dollar. Lime Bars are selling today like they’re goin’ outta style! Shit yes!
Andy: Hey Jesus, would you mind telling the devil to stop using a damn wheely bag? It’s really annoying
Devil: No one cuts me a break these days.
Jesus: Dude, I was f-ing crucified by my own followers. At least your followers only kill barnyard animals. Why don’t you just buy a freakin’ backpack?
Devil: I can use whatever I want!
Andy: Those wheely bags are so stupid. They just get in everyone’s way, and the handles are to short anyway so you have to bend over to use them.
Devil: Well Jesus stands here selling his damn Lime Bars out of that big cart!
Andy: Yeah but, they’re delicious.
Jesus: Right on my man. Also I’m Jesus. No one gets mad at me. Watch this.
(Jesus slaps an old woman right in the face)
Old Woman: Praise the Heavens!
Jesus: See?
Devil: Ugh. I hate you Jesus.
Andy: Duh.
Jesus: Alright bitches. I gotsta peace out. Catch ya on the flip!
Devil: Wait! I’ll take a lime bar – Andy you want one?
Andy: Sure.
Devil: Two, two lime bars.
Jesus: 8 dollars please.
Devil: What a freakin’ gyp – here.
Jesus: Pleasure doing business, suckers! Alright, time to bounce.
Andy: (together with the Devil) Bye Jesus.
Unless you can turn water into wine, I highly suggest you go buy a backpack. Do you really want the delay of hundreds of commuters and the broken hips of thousands of befallen old people on your head? I didn’t think so.
you, the big J.C. and satan talking it up!?!? now, i’ve heard everything.
what happened to the good old days when you talked about your grandmother coming to life as a flesh-eating zombie? or how we should all take body shots off your lifeless corp at your funeral?
oh and wheelie backpacks totally blow.
Jesus, Andy –
I never imagined you’d be posted TWICE in Gawker!
You’re like…famous. Can I touch your hair?
And the lime bars – are they like the ones at the Key Lime Pie Factory in South Miami, next to Fox’s? Because… I hate those. Or are they the lime popsicles? Either way, I don’t really like lime. I guess that’s the real moral of this comment. Lime sucks.
Erik – yeah dude, that was the sweet life.
Jay – Me either – especially with this poor excuse for a post! I guess you can touch my hair but you better hurry before it all falls out.
And I’m talking about the Lime Bars from whole foods that are like popsicles. They’re awesome. (and if you would’ve read the lime-bar link post, you’d know that).
Thanks a lot, you almost made me DIE laughing. Jeez.