Sleep

Sleep has been important to humans for as long as I can remember. And since I’m 26, that’s…well let’s see, I can’t really remember anything until I was about 3, so I can remember 23 years. So then; sleep has been important to humans for the last 23 years. Before that it was regarded as generally un-Christian and rude. Those who slept were considered “radicals” or, more simply, “assholes.”

I’m not sure when the decline in this archaic belief-system began to occur, but suffice it to say that I’m happy that since I was 3, sleeping has become socially acceptable and generally well thought of.

I’ve spent many long years striving to be a student of slumber.* I remember literally spending half a day in bed on the weekends and it was quite blissful and rewarding and…well maybe it was just a little lazy but that’s what the weekends** are for anyway.

This past week has seen a critical stumbling in my ever-faltering steps taken at achieving max sleeping hours. Since my ventures into puberty, outside influences cause me to miss not just hours, but sometimes even entire evenings of sleep. Beer, hot girls, the list goes on and on. Well, actually it pretty much stops there. But there are lots of different kinds of beer, and lots of hot girls out there too.

Lately there has been an unjust combination of these things hammering away at the foundations of my own personal Land of Nod. It has been trying, it has been difficult, but I have perservered in spite of my far-below-average nightly sleephours.

But if the trend continues, well, I’m not sure what will happen to me…of course that won’t stop me from making ridiculous speculations:

(Andy walks into his office on Monday morning…)

Boss: Oi Andy, how’s it goin’ geez?

Andy: Mmmuuhhh.

Boss: Right. Today you need to make sure you follow up with-

Andy: Semmuuhh…wh…feh.

Boss: Are you alright?

Andy: Taaa…uur…ooowwns.

Boss: What? Hold on.

(Boss removes his headphones)

Andy: I said take of your headphones! Jeez.

Boss: Oh right then. I thought you were mumbling.

Andy: No, you just had your headphones in.

Boss: Silly me.

Huh, not as zainy as I thought. Oh Well I guess-

Andy: Hey!

Uh….what?

Andy: Hey the dialouge isn’t over yet!

Oh I’m really sor-

Andy: Yeah, I bet you’re sorry! You stinkin jerk. Let us fin-

Boss: Who are you talking to?

Andy: Myself.

Boss: This is all very bizzarre. Are you sure you’re feeling alright?

No, you don’t understand, he’s talking to me. I’m him but I’m the real him and he’s the make believe me. Just like you’re the make believe boss.

Boss: I’m make believe?

Yes.

Boss: Total mindblow!

Andy: Eh you get used to it. It’s actually pretty nice because you can’t get hurt or ever really die. And real me often takes pretty good care of-

(The boss’ head explodes)

There’s your mindblow.

Andy: Oh snap! What’d you do that for?

Got bored. this post is going nowhere. Plus I’m just waiting for him to leave the office until I go home. I figured at least I could get rid of him in some way, shape or form.

Andy: Well that’s what happens when you don’t get enough sleep.

Touche. Alright, I’m going home – I need a nap.

Andy: What am I supposed to do today?

Uh…here –

(Andy is suddenly surrounded by a huge room encompassing an awesome TV, video games, some hot-girl attendants, and beers)

Andy: Nice.

Complain again and your head explodes.

(Andy makes the “I’m zipping up my lips” motion)

So there you have it folks. That’s what happens when I don’t get enough sleep. I start to go a little bananas. Yeah that’s right, bananas. Get it? GET IT?! I knew you would. You always do.

*And alliteration
**Note: Other days suiting this purpose are Monday, Wednesday, and occasionally Tuesday.