I’m not sure what exactly my problem is…well, let me rephrase that. I’m not sure exactly what Boris’ problem is. He’s the kind of guy who makes a stupid joke and you laugh at it, but only because he barely speaks English. The type of person who is always trying to make a “business” connection even though he is a barber. He wants people to come back. He wants people to take business cards. What he doesn’t want, is to do a good job.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I appreciate immigrants about as much as everyone else…alright, well, at least as much as White Dade. But damnit, when you are cutting hair, the broken English in some sort of Eastern European accent just won’t…cut it. It should really have clued me in. Especially my second time back.
The first time I went to this place to get my hair cut, Sergei did it. Despite the fact that I told him I just wanted him to trim it, he decided he was gonna go Jack Bauer on my follicoles – but he did a good job. In fact, when he was done I thought “Well this is the exact opposite of what I asked for but, at least it looks good.” Oh, if only Boris could’ve been so lucky:
Boris: Hullo.
Andy: Hi.
Boris: Ok. How you want cut, this hair?
Andy: Uh…which one?
Boris: How shall I cut?
Andy: Just take a little off and even it out.
Boris: Okay.
That’s what was said. Here’s how Boris interpreted it.
Boris: Hey there chappy, what gives? Gimme some skin!
Andy: Hi, I’m a stupid b-hole for coming back to this place. Take my money!
Boris: Ok. What can I do for ya today? I have to warn you, I really suck.
Andy: Uh…you know what? I trust you. People that are terrible at things? Why, that’s what I consider the foundations of a grade-A establishment. As long as you can read at a 3rd grade level, you’re classy in my book.
Boris: So then, any vague ideas at least?
Andy: Just take a little off and even it out.
Boris: Okay, I’ll cut off too much hair and leave it all lop-sided and weird looking.
Andy: That’d be perfect – say! You don’t happen to have some rusty, old, barely-functioning scissors around do you? I’d like to purchase them for $100 and do my own haircuts at home!
Boris: Oh, as a matter of fact, I do. (rummages in those weird barber-shop drawers that every barber seems to have) Ah ha! Here’s the pair I killed my wife and brother with, in order to sell their skin for the money I needed to move to America and start my lucrative, shitty, barber shop!
Andy: Lovely! Say, where’s Sergei at? He seems to have an equally poor grasp of English, but still manages to do a good job.
Boris: Oh, I killed him too! Here at Boris’ Barber Shop our motto is: “If you like your haircut, we don’t suck enough…and we’ll kill the person responsible!”
Andy: Why that sounds like a fine slogan Boris. You really have it all.
Boris: Yes, yes I do!
(Andy and Boris laugh uproariously together)
Long story short? I’m buying clippers tonight.
::sigh::
25-35 bucks will keep you from the clippers next time. You’ve been warned. Stop with the 12 dollar haircuts!!
Yes yes, stop with the 12 dollar haircuts. But start with the 6 dollar ones. I got a cut at the NY International Beauty School, cost me $5.97 including tax. Even with my haircutter knowing too little English and me knowing too little Spanish, it’s come out great twice.
Russians should be allowed in our country only after signing a binding agreement not to pursue the barbering arts.
I have had nothing but bad experiences.
There’s a great little spot down in Hanover Square, next to the Subway that backs onto Stone Street. Both Russian babes. Did I mention babes? BABES…
Give excellent hair, too. Damn, I’ve gotta go back there soon…
You know when you’re sitting down on that barber’s chair and you have the guy replying “Ok” to you, you can only hope he knows what you’re talking about.
But I guess when you look back only then can you realize “How the fuck could I have been so stupid?”
I once went to Astor Place Hair, never went back after the lady tried to give me the Ivan Drago after I specifically asked her not to use the fucking clipper.
Chelsea Barbers on 23rd & 10th has been good to me, though the motherfuckers raised their prices a couple of years ago after they were featured on Queer Eyes.
this was hilarious.
i was just about to head to bed and now i’m full of giggles.
ugh.
hope i get to see the bad hair tomorrow!
Once went to one of those awful Jean Louis David places – everybody there was Russian and probably had degrees in Aeronautics and Astrophysics… but NOT in hair cutting.
The balding, ponytailed zek who cut my hair must have hear me ask for the Stalin special, because I came out of there with a freaking pompadour that made me look like a politburo member, or one of Donald Trump’s investors, circa 1985.
Friggin’ horrible. I wish the Cold War would start up again, so that these Russians could go back to building bombs or whatever it was they did before they started massacring our American hair!