Lying to People

Nothing is more fun than lying to people, especially when intoxicated. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fairly truthful guy and it’s not like I’m trying to lie to people to get them to sleep with me or owe me stuff or anything iniquitous. But since the weekend is coming up I figured I’d pass off one of my favorite passtimes for you all to try out this weekend – if you don’t already do it.

It works best if you go out with a couple really good friends who you know will automatically back up whatever you say and hopefully add to it. The idea is to keep the lie going, keep it believable, and try to make your partners in crime¹ break-up with laughter so that the lie is given away by the person who laughs. It seems a little ridiculous to lie merely for the pleasure of making someone else be responsible of “getting caught” but it really is a fun game. Here’s one my two roommates in Miami did one night – I can’t remember all of it word for word but this will give you the idea.

(Brewer is talking to two girls. Jables and Andy are nearby…)

Brewer: Yeah, I live with those two guys over there, we went to high school together. We all even played defense on the high school football team.

(Andy and Jables make their way over)

Andy: Dude, you telling out football stories? This guy (indicated Brewer) was nuts. We called him PF-15.

Girl 1: Why did you call him that?

Jables: Because he was constantly late-hitting people and getting personal fouls.

Andy: It was a little ridiculous, I mean these guys would clearly be out of bounds or on the ground and POW! Out of nowhere!

Girl 2: Oh geez, Brewer you don’t seem like that kind of guy-

Brewer: I know. It’s just that Strong Safety mentality. When I was out on the field I couldn’t control myself – I usually never even heard the whistle blowing the play dead.

Andy: Yeah. I remember you got thrown out of so many games – remember when you broke that guy’s collar bone?

Girl 1: Oh no!

Jables: It was unbelieveable. Stretcher and everything – Brewer was not exactly a fan favorite for the opposing team. Nor a pinnacle of sportsmanship.

Andy: Not that Jables is one to talk. Although you never really flagrant fouled, you just kind of played the dirtiest line-backer position of all time.

Girl 2: What do you mean?

Brewer: You know, face-masking, just random little dirty stuff while no one was watching. Didn’t you poke that guy in the eye once?

Jables: Dude, you should’ve heard what he called my mom. I don’t stand for that shit.

Girl 1: (to Andy) What did you do?

Andy: I was just fast as hell. I ran the forty in 3.8 seconds until I broke my ankle Jr. year. Then I was down 4.8. It sucked.

Girl 2: Isn’t that incredibly fast?

Andy: Yeah, fastest ever actually. A lot of people dogged me and said I cheated but I could catch anyone. Until the ankle injury of course. I was just never the same.

I’m gonna end it there but this was basically what we did at every party. Sometimes we’d even be in completely opposite places (like if someone lived in a house, we would be corroborating stories in the front yard that came from the back yard, etc). It would continue as long as we could keep straight faces.

Anyway, go out there and have a fun weekend. I’ll be the guy who’s the center of attnetion, talking about his days spent post-college in a Spanish Mission working as a mule for the local drug cartel.

¹NOT Partners in Kryme, the singing duo responsible for “T-U-R-T-L-E POWER!”