Andy

This is probably one of the best songs written in the past 15 years as far as I’m concerned. It’s on Continuum, but some cool kid was lucky enough to hear this tune when it was just a baby, and tape it for the rest of us:

Go buy Continuum right now. It’s worth it if the only song you like is “Stop This Train.” But it won’t be. More to come…

Here’s a list of supplies you used to need on a regular basis, but probably don’t anymore:

1) A pencil box
2) A set of crayons, the more colors you have, the cooler you are.

3) A ruler
4) A new lunchbox, metal or plastic, with designated favorite cartoon on the front.

5) Of course, it also came with a thermos – useful for a cold drink, or some hot Mac&Cheese.

6) One of those small, cube-shaped pencil sharpeners

7) A couple folders with your favorite sports team/2nd favorite TV show.
8) A package of markers. Washable of course.

Anything I missed?

Last night as I was walking home to my apartment, all full of ice cream and gnocchi, I noticed a bunch of those metal sidewalk barricades lining the block my apartment is on. After reading some vague signs about when you can’t park there and seeing no real information explaining the need for barricades.

At first I figured, since my neighborhood is largely Puerto Rican, maybe they were going to have a parade. It was then pointed out that a parade probably would not occur from 6pm-12am on a Monday night. But then I remembered how often I come home to find kids playing well past midnight and thought maybe the parade would happen.

Eventually though, I decided to just ignore it and go watch TV, like the good American citizen I am.

This morning on my typical walk to the subway the barricades were of course up, only now there was a big difference – I was boxed in on the sidewalk. The police weren’t letting anyone through. I was told that in a few minutes the presidential motorcade was going to be coming by and then they’d re-open the sidewalks.

Not really caring about getting to work on time I told the cop I’d rather be outside waiting in the sunshine than going to work anyway at which point he said “well thanks. I’ve been called every name in the book so far this morning – you’re one of the nice ones.” At this point some jerk on a bike pedals up and upon finding out he couldn’t cross the street for a whole 15 minutes he immediately started bitching and then gave up. A few minutes later he went back to the cop with a well-crafted arugment about why he should be let through.

I thought to myself “how ridiculous is it that this guy is bitching to the cop and then figured that if he had some really solid points the cop just might let him by.” I wondered if I were a cop if anyone could talk me into letting them by. I mean I’m sure someone would be able to do it but I don’t know what it would take:

Deal with it. It’s a Monday. I’ll try to be more creative come Wednesday or something.

MySpace bulletins are typically the stupidest things you’ll ever read, and then if you don’t repost them after reading them, you supposedly suffer a horrible calamity. Here is one that was posted today:

Blue eyes-
-People with blue eyes last the longest in relationships. They are kind, pretty or handsome & very good kissers.they always fall in love with there closest friends and never understand why, they are very funny and outgoing and don’t care what people think or say,They are very satisfying and love to please.They can EXCEED your pleasure standards.People with blue eyes are very sexy and very attracted towards the opposite sex. The best of all. If you repost this and you have blue eyes you will have the best kiss sometime in the next 5 days.

-Green Eyes-

-Sex Addicts!!!People with green eyes have the most passion put into relationships, they have long lasting relationships. People with green eyes are also the horniest and most beautiful. They long for the touch of another. People with green eyes are very sexy and very attracted towards the opposite sex. They help others in need. They are the most atrractive eyes of them all. They get envied alot but it doesnt bother them. You will meet the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with if you repost this.

-Hazel Eyes-

-People with hazel eyes are very loveable. They are really hott and awsome to be around. Their relationship tends to be very honest cause if they aren’t truly in love, the relationship won’t work. They are very fun to be around but don’t enjoy “pet names”. They fall easily for their best friends. Can make anyone laugh no matter what they’re mood! They don’t care what people think or say about them! They are very satisfying and love to please. They would give anything to be with their special someone! They are very laid back and chill and love to just be around. If you repost this and have hazel eyes then you will be happy soon with the person who is on your heart.

-Brown eyes-
-STRAIGHT UP PIMPS!!!!!Sexy as hell,people with brown eyes are very attractive, adorable, love to make new friends. Will do anything for that special person. Kind and polite Can make anyone laugh or cheer them up. Loves to please the one they care for or love,very good kissers, are straight up WARRIORS, repost this if you have brown eyes, and you will find the one that you are meant to be with within the next 7 days

I thought it would be really funny if only one or two of the eye-categories was complimentary and the other eye colors got totally slammed. If I were to write a similar bulletin, it would probably look something like this:

Blue eyes-
-People with blue eyes last the longest in relationships and sexual intercourse. They are kind, pretty or handsome & very good kissers. They are very talented at writing hilarious blogs that makes everyone like them. They are very funny (or at least they think so) and outgoing and don’t care what people think or say, but people care what they think and say because they’re just so darn awesome. They are very satisfying and love to please. They can EXCEED your pleasure standards. People with blue eyes are very sexy and very attracted towards the opposite sex. If you repost this and you have blue eyes you will have the best kiss sometime in the next 5 days followed by winning a free trip to Greece and, what the heck? Winning the lottery.

-Green Eyes-

-People with green eyes are at the highest risk to suffer from bear attacks, shark attacks, poor hearing, and bee stings. Though typically amiable people, they have been subjected to government tests as children due to the right-wings hatred of all things green. Often times green eyed people enjoy life, though its typically short due to the clauses outlined in the first sentence. If you have green eyes and repost this, you will be fending off 6 bee stings in the upcoming year.

-Hazel Eyes-

-People with hazel eyes are typically assholes. They frighten small children with their cacophonous bodily noises and eat only low-carb diets. Their typical occupations include: jungle cat trainer, ferris wheel operator, and convicted felon. They also smell terrible. If you repost this and have hazel eyes then you will be hit by a bus. But if you DON’T re-post it, you’ll be hit by two buses.

-Brown eyes-

-Dumbest. People. Ever. I knew this kid with brown eyes once who tried to eat a live chicken. It was outrageous. The thing pecked off his lips. People with brown eyes are regarded as slack-jawed dimwits who WISH they knew how to read because they like the glossy finish of library cards. Brown-eyed people that can read typically have no sense of direction and are tricked easily. Repost this if you have brown eyes and we’ll send you a free library card! NOT! Tricked again, jerk!

That’s right, I have 2 fantastic blog ideas. Unfortunately this is not one of them. Instead I wanted to write a little bit about my recent experiences.

I got a voicemail on Sunday evening letting me know that my landlord needs his apartment back. I have until October 15th to find a new apartment. This is actually a good turn of events because I wanted to get out of my place anyway. I’m getting kind of fed up with having a roommate that isn’t a good friend…or a friend at all, and my place is a bit dumpy.

Inevitably when finding an apartment in New York one turns to Craiglist, the most useful useless internet tool on the planet. I found my last apartment on there and it has worked out in not working out. I figured I’d give it another go because I was so fortunate and so frustrated the first time around¹.

When you look for an apartment in New York, there are often times broker’s fees. For those of you who have the luxury of finding apartments without brokers let me explain how it works: YOU find the apartment on craigslist, YOU meet the broker near the place, the broker shows up, shows you the place, and expects you to immediately take it so he can make his obscenely high fee – usually 13% of a year’s worth of rent. When the apartment turns out to be a piece of garbage, the conversation goes something like this:

Broker: So, what do you think²?

Andy: Well, it’s alright, but not what I’m looking for. It’s a little smaller than I wanted, its pretty dark, the ceilings are pretty low, not enough closet space, and the rent is too high for what it is and the area its in.

Broker: Are you kidding me?! Do you know how hard it is to find what you want in this city? This is a great deal! How many other apartments do you know of for this kind of money in the city? It’s fantastic amazing! Good luck finding something better. You will fail. I hate you now! I hate you for not taking this place immediately! You are stupid! You will never find a place to live! How long have you lived here?! How much is your rent now?

Andy: No, Yes, not it’s not, quite a few, no it isn’t, thanks, no I won’t, I hate you too, I don’t care, I know you are but what am I? Yes I will, about a year, I’m not telling, you’d cry.

Broker: Wait…what?

Andy: I’m gonna leave now…right after I pee on your shoes.

Broker: (sighs) This always happens to me.

And that’s pretty much how it goes. You show up, hate the place, and then they get mad at you. The funniest thing to do is to tell them its too expensive. One time this guy said to me: “$2500³! Isn’t that a great price?” to which I responded: “No, it isn’t.” He was furious and actually stormed out. I couldn’t stop laughing.

¹If you’ve used Craigslist at all, this paragraph should make perfect sense to you.
²This exactly what they have said to me everytime – “what do you think?” What they mean is, “I half-assed my job and am fully expecting you to take this place now.”
³This was for a 1 bdrm that I was going to live in with a friend of mine – we were going to put a wall up which costs like another $800. The broker new this. Granted the location was great, 25th and Park, but it wasn’t THAT nice of a place.