Andy

I was perusing Craig’s List today, you know, checkin’ out the free stuff people had and half-assedly (yeah, it’s a word) looking for a bed, when I came across a dog.

This dog looks strikingly like Franklin (my co-dog from when I lived in Miami) and it was decided he’s so similar in face, snout, and general appearance that he could easily be his brother.

At any rate, I greatly miss having my dog around (we teleconference to do Franklin Talk) and I really considered getting this dog – in fact I went so far as to send an email inquiring about him.

I also came up with the best name ever for a dog. And if one of you out there uses this I hope that when you tell people your dog’s name you whisper quietly afterwards “thisnamewasthoughtupbyAndy.” Are you ready?

Bill Cosby.

Hot girl: Hi, I’m Hot Girl, what’s your name?

Andy: Hello Hot Girl. I’m Andy, and this is my dog – Bill Cosby.

It’s just perfect! PERFECT! I can’t wait to actually be able to get a dog so I can name it Bill Cosby. Come up with your own scenarios for introducing a dog named Bill Cosby. It’s a great way to kill time at work.

*This may or may not be my real phone number. Try it and see!**

**I left this in here after I did an edit of the original conversation between myself and Hot Girl. I just figured I’d leave it in to screw with people.

I’m no God-hater, in fact, I really like God. I think he’s really nifty. But unfortunately for all you super zainy Christians out there, I’m Agnostic. Really I don’t know what to think except that I do believe there is some sort of positive all powerful force and generally if someone believes in a certain faith I think its great because it means they’re following positive and good-natured values. Unfortunately some people take it a bit far.

My friend sent me this link. Apparently there is a new “museum” in which people actually get to talk to dinosaurs who tell them the “truth” about creation. This was a smart move by the uber-Christians. Everyone knows if you want to prove yourself right, the only way to do it is through talking dinosaurs.

At any rate, I got to thinking how much fun it would be to sneak into the “museum” and re-write the scripts. Here’s how I think it would pan out…

The “truth-telling” begins in the lobby, where guests come face to face with a pair of young T. rex dinosaurs, dressed in heathen street clothes and wearing sunglasses, and living alongside Adam’s children.

Animated young T. rexes in the lobby: “Of course we lived at the same time as humans! God made dinosaurs on the same day as Adam. And later we drank from the same waters as Adam’s children…I mean we had to drink the same waters because we were so thirsty from eating all of Adam’s children. They were delicious. God made you delicious. Doesn’t that make you feel special?”

In the next room, guests will discover more “truths”. This time, they hear from a fossilized dinosaur raptor, still half-buried in a dig site.

Dinosaur raptor fossil in a dig site: “I’m still half buried! This is fucking terrible! OH GOD IT HURTS! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?! OH MY GOD! FUCK. Hey, hey kid. See that chisel? Get it. Get it and try to dig me out! I CAN’T TAKE THIS! AAHHHHHH”

In the next room, guests learn how the “facts” get distorted by museums and school textbooks.

Animated dinosaur raptor in a room on worldviews: “Don’t believe everything you see…except talking dinosaurs. Believe those. They’re real. And believe what I’m about to tell you. It isn’t just made up…really…anyway Dinosaurs did not turn into birds! That’s a tall tale—with no foundation in reality! Except for science. And let’s face it, science is the worst subject in school. No one likes it. No one except the devil. And with science the devil says The ‘Age of Dinosaurs, millions of years ago’ was concocted to promote a belief that life arose without God or cookies (and I know you love cookies). It makes more sense to believe a talking dinosaur. Because I talk, and I’m a dinosaur, and I love cookies. If you like cookies, then why would you ever believe science?”

Later, the museum takes guests back in time, to the Creation Room.

Ceratopsian (horned dinosaur) family portrait in a room on the six days of creation: “Yep, that’s my great-great-grandfather, who lived about 6,000 years ago. God created him on Day 6, along with all the other land animals. But I wish he hadn’t. He was a drunk and he beat the shit out of me all the time. And my mom wonders why I’m a heroin addict now. That fuckin’ bitch. Maybe if she would’ve spent more time with me instead of jerking off her dead-beat boyfriends all the time I’d’ve turned out alright.”

Were dinosaurs on Noah’s Ark? Guests will discover the answer from dinosaurs who were there.

Dinosaur “kinds” loaded onto Noah’s Ark: “It’s easy to explain how we fit on the Ark. Noah had a magical shrinking machine! It was rainbow-colored and made of lollipops and taffy and the good boys and girls were allowed to go inside and take a bite! The bad boys and girls were shrunk to the size of berries and were eaten!”

After the Flood, guests learn the “common-sense” reason that we find all these fossils in rock layers all over the Earth.

“Living” fossils in the post-Flood room: “Just how did dinosaurs die? Skeptics are open to every wild idea…like the climate got too cold. Can you imagine? The earth getting cold?! The earth doesn’t get cold! It always stays nice and warm! But it DOES flood. The entire earth floods. It just might flood tomorrow and you’ll die and go to hell if you don’t believe me! Isn’t that fun? Have a nice day!”

Oh “truth” museum. You’re so informative and educational! Thanks for saving all of our souls from eternal damnation and dinosaurs. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go disprove Darwinists with some sock-puppets.

Two of my buddies (The Brewer and JB) have dones this post so far, and damnit, I want to be as cool as them. The only thing I will say is that I do not have all of my music on my laptop, or on my iPod, so the results may be a bit skewed. I think what I’ll do is post two of these, one from my laptop at work, and one from my desktop at home (where all my archives lie…seriously, I’m all “Dudes what’s going on!?” and they’re all “Your dog just died!” and then I cry and cry and then they tell me it was a joke. I hate them). Oh and I’m gonna do 7 songs, because I feel it’s a better sample-rate (nerdy music joke there – not intended).

Laptop:

1. “You’re Gonna Lose That Girl” – The Beatles, Help!: A good start. I started out my love of music with the Beatles and they comprise a good deal of my music. I won’t get into percentages like JB, but I’m sure its hefty (also like JB).

2. “Parking Lot Pimpin'” – Jay Z, The Dynasty Roc La Familia: Jay Z is an awesome rapper, and this is an awesome album. I’m surprised this popped up cause I don’t actually own too much hip-hop. But i love it just the same. My favorite song on this album is “Change the Game.” It’s just totally awesome.

3. “LA” – Elliot Smith, Figure 8: I’ll be honest I don’t really listen to Elliot Smith that much and don’t think I have heard this song before. The Brewer was nice enough to hook me up with some tunes and I really enjoy his music but I haven’t taken the time to sit down and really listen to it. I’m wondering if my iTunes is going to choose anything from the copius amounts of jazz in my library?! I have to say this is a little bizzarre.

4. “Great Indoors” – John Mayer, Bootleg: I’m a huge John Mayer fan and have all of his albums and tons of bootlegs. I’m glad he’s getting props on this list because I think he is THE best singer/songwriter right now. He also happens to be an amazing guitar player. He also seems to be able to write lyrics that explain exactly how I’ve felt at one time or another. Lately I’ve been most identifying with “My Stupid Mouth.” If you don’t listen to John Mayer on a regular basis, you hate music and I hate you. Still no jazz! Though Mayer’s chord extensions get him pretty close.

5. “Nostalgia in Times Square” – Mingus Big Band, The Essential Mingus Big Band: There we go. Okay not my most favorite of my jazz albums but this is a great disc in general. These guys are all sick players and Mingus’ compositions are some of the most original and creative you’ve ever heard. This band plays at Iridium Jazz Club every Tuesday for $25. I think I’m gonna check that out next week. Frank Lacey (trombone) has just the coolest sound and style when he solos.

6. “Have a Drink on Me” – AC/DC, Back in Black: I used to not like AC/DC or too much hard rock in general. Then in Miami I was listening to some tunes and I was like “Shit man, I need to rock out” and failed to find anything worth rocking out to. So I bought a ton of stuff. AC/DC was the first thing I thought of. I love this album and I love AC/DC. It’s great to work for a company run and staffed almost entirely by Mormons and have AC/DC and Jay-Z blasting at my desk. Have a drink on me, Jesus!

7. “Tasty Pudding” – Chet Baker, Chet Baker in Paris: Oh Chet, you f’in rule. This guy played trumpet like butter and sang even smoother. I love this tune. Slow, cool, and…well honestly, Tasty Pudding. This tune practically oozes out of your stereo. Also, if you haven’t heard Chet sing (Alice?) you’ve got some serious listening to do. Check out him doing the tune “Everything Happens to Me” on this same album. Holy shit.

A decent list. I’m still surprised at the lack of jazz though, since that is what comprises my collection. But hey, I’m just happy my Paula Abdul didn’t show up.

I am fucking awesome at peeling oranges. I’m not sure how I acquired this skill or to which recessive gene I owe my gratitude, but peeling oranges is just my thing.

Some people really struggle. While they’re chipping away and getting little orange-peel nubs stuck under their finger nails, my peel quickly glides away from the orange. It’s like the orange is saying to me “Andy, you are so sexy. I would like to reveal myself to you in the most sensual way I can.” And then I’m all like “Orange, you are such a slut…but only for me. And I love you.”

The next time you’re jamming your thumb into an orange or considering saying “fuck it” and cutting it into wedges, consider my proximity. Not only will it save your day, but it’s really just a breathtaking thing to behold.

Hey everyone, I just wanted to do a bit of promoting for my other website, Franklin Talk. Frank and I finished recording and uploading the first episode last night. I’m going to try to have it on iTunes by the end of the day. Go check it out!

If you live in New York this week you are a lucky, lucky person. All week long is the New York City Jazz Festival. It’s time to plunk down $40 on some of the best musicians you’ve ever heard – screw your binge-drinking or the down payment on those fancy shoes.

Last night I went to Birdland and saw Kurt Elling. Holy shit. This guy is everything that is right about music. He is hands down one of the best vocalists I have ever heard in my life. He’s doing 2 sets a night (at 9 and 11) for the rest of the week through Saturday night. Tickets are $40 and if you show up early they’ll get you a table right up front. If you’re in the mood to have a drink or two (and you’d better be since there’s a $10 minimum) and hear some AWESOME music, go check it out. They also serve dinner and though I just had some assorted fruits and cheeses they were fantastic.

You can probably show up tonight without making a reservation and just pay at your table, but I wouldn’t recommend it for Thursday, Friday and Saturday. You can pre-buy the $40 cover online and check the schedules and performers here. If you’re interested in Kurt Elling, just go check out his website.

Some of the highlights from the set I saw were Nature Boy, Never My Love, the first tune he did was awesome but I don’t know the name of it, and then as a finale he sang a tune that he wrote the lyrics too called Time To Say Goodbye – it was just amazing.