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Everyday of my life there is an annoyance with which I am getting greatly frustrated. Infuriated with even. I hate looking at them. I hate having them. I wish I could just throw them in the gutter. But I can’t get rid of them. No matter how hard I try or how long I think, there is simply not a way beyond this huge impasse of my life….crabs. Just kidding.

The obstacle of which I speak is my ring of keys. I hate carrying keys with me. Two keys for my apartment, one for the office, one for the mailbox. I use to have a house key on there for my parent’s house in Pennsylvania but I lost it one night.

If I had a car it might just send me surfing to the shores of insanity on a wave of madness all the while being ridiculed by lobsters and other sea-faring shellfish.

My plight, however, must be shared with at least a few other people as yesterday when returning from lunch I passed a locksmith who’s storefront sign brandished the two most poetic words I’ve ever read in my life: “Keyless Entry.”

Andy: Oh glorious day! Keyless Entry, I love you!
Locksmith: Yes! It is magical. But of course like every magic, this keyless entry holds a terrible curse!
Andy: Egads! Praytell shopkeep, what be this curse?
(The day darkens as the sun cowars behind a cloud. Shadows shroud the Locksmith’s face and in his eye there’s a devilish gleam)
Locksmith: All who install keyless entry systems in their houses must pay me a fee of $45 to install plus $100 for the system!!
(The sun quickly comes out and looks confusedly down at the Locksmith)
Andy: …um…That’s not…I mean is that really a curse? It seems to me like its just what you pay to get keyless entry installed.
Locksmith: ….I guess you’re right. You’re the only person who never ran away screaming after I mentioned a curse though.
Andy: Oh really? I mean it was a little weird but not that scary.
Locksmith: …well I mean people don’t really run away screaming after I mention the curse.
Andy: But you just sai–
Locksmith: I know what I said!
Andy: …um…
Locksmith: …Are you going to get keyless entry or not?
Andy: No, I’m too afraid of the curse.

(Andy runs away, screaming)

All in all it was a pretty bizzarre encounter, but in the streets of New York you can’t really expect anything to be normal. But until I can summon up the courage, my keys will forever jab my leg as I stroll about the city in search of a non-key solution. Maybe I’ll just become homeless. Then the only key I’ll have is the key to my heart. Which I will give to my smelly, crazy, reckless, and equally homeless bride. We’ll get married in puddles of our own filth and band our fingers – a soda bottle ring for her, a twist-tie for me. It’ll be grand.

A while back my cell phone broke. Well, it didn’t exactly break, so much as I placed it on the heater in my room and a very strong and quite visible charge of static electricity incapacitated 4 buttons. Three of them are the buttons on the outside edge of the phone (it’s a flip), the fourth? The call button. Oooh, so close to still being functional!

For a while I would have to assign people to a speed dial number – which was okay, until I realized only numbers 2 through 9 were assignable. You couldn’t, say, dial a 1 and then hold down the 9 for 19. That got real old real fast as, when you assigned someone to a speed dial number already taken, it erased the entry it was replacing.

Then I was lucky enough to go home one weekend and get my old school Nokia 6800. Fold-out QWERTY keyboard, no camera, and half again as thick as my iPod this phone just screams out “2002 technological achievement!” But luckily due to its age I was easily able to unlock it and pop in my Cingular SIM card and voi la, fully functioning phone (with a big crack down the middle of the screen anyway).

I have been waiting patiently to get a new phone from Cingular. The time has come and gone (March) in my contract when I could easily pick any of their phones and get the super cheap rate. Unfortunately, Cingular continues to disappoint me with phone choices.

Begin Rant.

The RAZR is the stupidest phone I have ever seen in my life. Ever. Yeah it was cool when it first came out, but I’m sick of it. If you have a RAZR and you didn’t get it when it first came out, I’m sorry, I have no respect for you. If you have a RAZR and it’s black, you’d really better fucking love AC/DC and getting your ass kicked. If you have a RAZR and it’s pink, watch out, because I’m going to push you in front of the F (or the B or D depending on how quickly I feel like getting home).

The bottom line people, is that they are all the same phone, with the same technology from over a year ago and if you haven’t been keeping tabs, technology from over a year ago is referred to as “artifact” when it comes to cell phones.

So everyday, and I mean literally everyday, I check Cingular for new phones. I would like to fill you all in on some of the new phones that are out there available for purchase without a plan. Samsung, Nokia, and Sony-Ericsson all have a phone that has a 3.2 Megapixel camera. They are no larger than other phones of those typical makes and models. The Sony-Ericsson one even has built-in software that will immediately upload your pictures to a blog. How cool is that?

What is the newest phone that Cingular has come out with? A blue RAZR.

Okay, I fucking get it. By 2007 you will be able to get a RAZR in every color in the Crayola 64 pack.

But you know what I really don’t get? What I really don’t get is why they’re coming out with a gold RAZR. Yeah that’s right. Gold. A special edition, Dolce&Gabana Gold Razr (and I swear to God if you just said “ooh! Cool!” I am murdering you in your sleep, as early as tonight…though I am busy most of the night pushing Jappy girls in front of the F train*).

Perhaps the most ridiculous part of all of this, is that every new color is priced like the original RAZR! That’s right, for only $200 (that’s WITH a 2 year plan) you can have your very own, stupid-ass D&G Gold RAZR. WHO is still buying these things?!

So Cingular, I’m not sure exactly who is picking all the “new” phones over there, but whoever it is needs to be fired, penniless, hairless, and…childless by the end of the day.

The only thing good about the RAZR is that my rage against it is keeping me in check so that I don’t just buy one of their shitty other sub-par phones…unfortunately I’m worried that even that won’t hold me back, and I’ll soon be making a pricey purchase on Tiger Direct for the Samsung P850, Nokia N90, or Sony Ericsson K790a (yeah, I know all the model numbers by heart).

In closing I would like all of you to wish me luck. The men out there will understand that the combination of my old phone, the release of these totally awesome new phones, my rage at the RAZR, and my recent near-elimination of credit-card debt, is making it VERY hard for me to not just plop down $500 so I can look at RAZR owners, laugh at them, and then pee in their open mouths as they gape at my kick-ass cell phone.

*I know, I know, Jappy girls live in Murray Hill and would therefore be taking the 4,5,6 – but it doesn’t tie in as nicely that way.

I was perusing Craig’s List today, you know, checkin’ out the free stuff people had and half-assedly (yeah, it’s a word) looking for a bed, when I came across a dog.

This dog looks strikingly like Franklin (my co-dog from when I lived in Miami) and it was decided he’s so similar in face, snout, and general appearance that he could easily be his brother.

At any rate, I greatly miss having my dog around (we teleconference to do Franklin Talk) and I really considered getting this dog – in fact I went so far as to send an email inquiring about him.

I also came up with the best name ever for a dog. And if one of you out there uses this I hope that when you tell people your dog’s name you whisper quietly afterwards “thisnamewasthoughtupbyAndy.” Are you ready?

Bill Cosby.

Hot girl: Hi, I’m Hot Girl, what’s your name?

Andy: Hello Hot Girl. I’m Andy, and this is my dog – Bill Cosby.

It’s just perfect! PERFECT! I can’t wait to actually be able to get a dog so I can name it Bill Cosby. Come up with your own scenarios for introducing a dog named Bill Cosby. It’s a great way to kill time at work.

*This may or may not be my real phone number. Try it and see!**

**I left this in here after I did an edit of the original conversation between myself and Hot Girl. I just figured I’d leave it in to screw with people.

I’m no God-hater, in fact, I really like God. I think he’s really nifty. But unfortunately for all you super zainy Christians out there, I’m Agnostic. Really I don’t know what to think except that I do believe there is some sort of positive all powerful force and generally if someone believes in a certain faith I think its great because it means they’re following positive and good-natured values. Unfortunately some people take it a bit far.

My friend sent me this link. Apparently there is a new “museum” in which people actually get to talk to dinosaurs who tell them the “truth” about creation. This was a smart move by the uber-Christians. Everyone knows if you want to prove yourself right, the only way to do it is through talking dinosaurs.

At any rate, I got to thinking how much fun it would be to sneak into the “museum” and re-write the scripts. Here’s how I think it would pan out…

The “truth-telling” begins in the lobby, where guests come face to face with a pair of young T. rex dinosaurs, dressed in heathen street clothes and wearing sunglasses, and living alongside Adam’s children.

Animated young T. rexes in the lobby: “Of course we lived at the same time as humans! God made dinosaurs on the same day as Adam. And later we drank from the same waters as Adam’s children…I mean we had to drink the same waters because we were so thirsty from eating all of Adam’s children. They were delicious. God made you delicious. Doesn’t that make you feel special?”

In the next room, guests will discover more “truths”. This time, they hear from a fossilized dinosaur raptor, still half-buried in a dig site.

Dinosaur raptor fossil in a dig site: “I’m still half buried! This is fucking terrible! OH GOD IT HURTS! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?! OH MY GOD! FUCK. Hey, hey kid. See that chisel? Get it. Get it and try to dig me out! I CAN’T TAKE THIS! AAHHHHHH”

In the next room, guests learn how the “facts” get distorted by museums and school textbooks.

Animated dinosaur raptor in a room on worldviews: “Don’t believe everything you see…except talking dinosaurs. Believe those. They’re real. And believe what I’m about to tell you. It isn’t just made up…really…anyway Dinosaurs did not turn into birds! That’s a tall tale—with no foundation in reality! Except for science. And let’s face it, science is the worst subject in school. No one likes it. No one except the devil. And with science the devil says The ‘Age of Dinosaurs, millions of years ago’ was concocted to promote a belief that life arose without God or cookies (and I know you love cookies). It makes more sense to believe a talking dinosaur. Because I talk, and I’m a dinosaur, and I love cookies. If you like cookies, then why would you ever believe science?”

Later, the museum takes guests back in time, to the Creation Room.

Ceratopsian (horned dinosaur) family portrait in a room on the six days of creation: “Yep, that’s my great-great-grandfather, who lived about 6,000 years ago. God created him on Day 6, along with all the other land animals. But I wish he hadn’t. He was a drunk and he beat the shit out of me all the time. And my mom wonders why I’m a heroin addict now. That fuckin’ bitch. Maybe if she would’ve spent more time with me instead of jerking off her dead-beat boyfriends all the time I’d’ve turned out alright.”

Were dinosaurs on Noah’s Ark? Guests will discover the answer from dinosaurs who were there.

Dinosaur “kinds” loaded onto Noah’s Ark: “It’s easy to explain how we fit on the Ark. Noah had a magical shrinking machine! It was rainbow-colored and made of lollipops and taffy and the good boys and girls were allowed to go inside and take a bite! The bad boys and girls were shrunk to the size of berries and were eaten!”

After the Flood, guests learn the “common-sense” reason that we find all these fossils in rock layers all over the Earth.

“Living” fossils in the post-Flood room: “Just how did dinosaurs die? Skeptics are open to every wild idea…like the climate got too cold. Can you imagine? The earth getting cold?! The earth doesn’t get cold! It always stays nice and warm! But it DOES flood. The entire earth floods. It just might flood tomorrow and you’ll die and go to hell if you don’t believe me! Isn’t that fun? Have a nice day!”

Oh “truth” museum. You’re so informative and educational! Thanks for saving all of our souls from eternal damnation and dinosaurs. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go disprove Darwinists with some sock-puppets.

Two of my buddies (The Brewer and JB) have dones this post so far, and damnit, I want to be as cool as them. The only thing I will say is that I do not have all of my music on my laptop, or on my iPod, so the results may be a bit skewed. I think what I’ll do is post two of these, one from my laptop at work, and one from my desktop at home (where all my archives lie…seriously, I’m all “Dudes what’s going on!?” and they’re all “Your dog just died!” and then I cry and cry and then they tell me it was a joke. I hate them). Oh and I’m gonna do 7 songs, because I feel it’s a better sample-rate (nerdy music joke there – not intended).

Laptop:

1. “You’re Gonna Lose That Girl” – The Beatles, Help!: A good start. I started out my love of music with the Beatles and they comprise a good deal of my music. I won’t get into percentages like JB, but I’m sure its hefty (also like JB).

2. “Parking Lot Pimpin'” – Jay Z, The Dynasty Roc La Familia: Jay Z is an awesome rapper, and this is an awesome album. I’m surprised this popped up cause I don’t actually own too much hip-hop. But i love it just the same. My favorite song on this album is “Change the Game.” It’s just totally awesome.

3. “LA” – Elliot Smith, Figure 8: I’ll be honest I don’t really listen to Elliot Smith that much and don’t think I have heard this song before. The Brewer was nice enough to hook me up with some tunes and I really enjoy his music but I haven’t taken the time to sit down and really listen to it. I’m wondering if my iTunes is going to choose anything from the copius amounts of jazz in my library?! I have to say this is a little bizzarre.

4. “Great Indoors” – John Mayer, Bootleg: I’m a huge John Mayer fan and have all of his albums and tons of bootlegs. I’m glad he’s getting props on this list because I think he is THE best singer/songwriter right now. He also happens to be an amazing guitar player. He also seems to be able to write lyrics that explain exactly how I’ve felt at one time or another. Lately I’ve been most identifying with “My Stupid Mouth.” If you don’t listen to John Mayer on a regular basis, you hate music and I hate you. Still no jazz! Though Mayer’s chord extensions get him pretty close.

5. “Nostalgia in Times Square” – Mingus Big Band, The Essential Mingus Big Band: There we go. Okay not my most favorite of my jazz albums but this is a great disc in general. These guys are all sick players and Mingus’ compositions are some of the most original and creative you’ve ever heard. This band plays at Iridium Jazz Club every Tuesday for $25. I think I’m gonna check that out next week. Frank Lacey (trombone) has just the coolest sound and style when he solos.

6. “Have a Drink on Me” – AC/DC, Back in Black: I used to not like AC/DC or too much hard rock in general. Then in Miami I was listening to some tunes and I was like “Shit man, I need to rock out” and failed to find anything worth rocking out to. So I bought a ton of stuff. AC/DC was the first thing I thought of. I love this album and I love AC/DC. It’s great to work for a company run and staffed almost entirely by Mormons and have AC/DC and Jay-Z blasting at my desk. Have a drink on me, Jesus!

7. “Tasty Pudding” – Chet Baker, Chet Baker in Paris: Oh Chet, you f’in rule. This guy played trumpet like butter and sang even smoother. I love this tune. Slow, cool, and…well honestly, Tasty Pudding. This tune practically oozes out of your stereo. Also, if you haven’t heard Chet sing (Alice?) you’ve got some serious listening to do. Check out him doing the tune “Everything Happens to Me” on this same album. Holy shit.

A decent list. I’m still surprised at the lack of jazz though, since that is what comprises my collection. But hey, I’m just happy my Paula Abdul didn’t show up.

I am fucking awesome at peeling oranges. I’m not sure how I acquired this skill or to which recessive gene I owe my gratitude, but peeling oranges is just my thing.

Some people really struggle. While they’re chipping away and getting little orange-peel nubs stuck under their finger nails, my peel quickly glides away from the orange. It’s like the orange is saying to me “Andy, you are so sexy. I would like to reveal myself to you in the most sensual way I can.” And then I’m all like “Orange, you are such a slut…but only for me. And I love you.”

The next time you’re jamming your thumb into an orange or considering saying “fuck it” and cutting it into wedges, consider my proximity. Not only will it save your day, but it’s really just a breathtaking thing to behold.